Q tip
It’s pretty obvious by now that I was not very careful during my sexual exploits while I was stationed in Germany and sooner or later that sort of behavior will catch up to you. So when I starting feeling some burning sensations during my trips to the urinal I was really unhappy about it.
There was really nothing else to do but go tot he dispensary on base and have them check you out. This sort of stuff goes on your “permanent record” and I don’t know, maybe it could be held against you in the future. Certainly is an indicator or irresponsibility. But you grit your teeth and make that march to the clinic.
In order to be tested they have to shove a cotton tipped swab up your urinal shaft. Yes, oh, yes. The joy of knowing that someone is going to penetrate your pee hole invasively and with cruel pleasure doesn’t thrill me. for the pain seekers that may sound like fun. Not to me. I was also told in no uncertain terms that the penicillin treatment was also going to be painful.
The doctor said that if you heated the penicillin up to room temperature it would make the process easier, but he preferred injections right from the fridge to punish the wrong doers. No shit, that is what he said. (it could be paraphrased, it was a long time ago, in a country far far away)
So cold penicillin in the glutes right after the results came back from the pee pee slider. Ouch and double ouch. fuck.
So here’s how it goes down. First I show up to the dispensary and have to admit to the girl working there that I seem to have some sort of secretion dripping out of my penis that is not the “normal” type of things that may come out of a penis – meaning it ain’t semen or piss. That in itself is kind of awkward since I know this girl and see her around the base, but she is a total professional and refers me to the clinician who may or may not be a doctor, I don’t know. He gets out this thing that looks like a really long q-tip with a cotton swab only on one end.
I am not feeling really good about all this, as you can well imagine and he tells me to drop my pants. More awkwardness ensues as he tells me that I need to grab my dick head and sort of pull it apart so that the pee hole is stretched out a bit. He says to me, “you know how it burns when you piss?” I nod and say, “yeah” He says, ” This is going to burn too, a little more than that, and you need to hold really still while I swab to get a fluid sample.”
Holy shit. It’s going to burn like mad, I have to hold my dick head open, and he’s going to shove a q-tip in, and I have to hold it perfectly still, or it will REALLY hurt a lot. I brace myself and in it goes.
You know how when you roast your penis inside a hot toaster oven set on broil, how that feels? Like when you insert your penis into a blender, or get wacked in the balls with a shotgun blast of salt? Ok, I don’t either, but I’d imagine it feels something like that q-tip “sliding” into my dick. Sliding is totally a figure of speech as it felt like a filing rod covered with 200 grit sandpaper. So much fun for one morning, I can hardly take it. But I do take it. Luckily it only had to go in a inch or two. That inch or two felt like a mile.
Then I’m sitting there and he tells me the story about the cold penicillin. I have so much to look forward to! So he leaves the room (and I’m so happy it wasn’t the girl doing this shit to me) And I wait for the results. About a half hour passes by, and I think some of that time might be just to add to my torture. It also gives me time to re-evaluate my sexual practices. This is all pre-AIDs, so that’s something no one really has to worry about. This worst thing is this whole slip and slide act and then the frozen ass shot.
So I am waiting and finally they come in and tell me the “good news” that I only have a urinary tract infection. That gets cured by a week long regiment of penicillin pills, no needle. The thing is that they can’t tell me how one gets this sort of infection. It could be from the shower room, could be from contaminated water, contaminated food or even, the old standby, a sexual partner. Ladies don’t get the burning sensation, so they may have this for weeks or months before they find out. Guys find out pretty quickly.
Moral of the story, don’t put your penis in strange places without protection.
