Interesting to think about what the world would be like had you not existed, and that world would be a totally different place than the one that would exist should you choose to snuff yourself.
the theme song to M*A*S*H is Suicide is Painless, and that could be the case. In the movie the dentist in the the MASH unit decides he’s seen enough, had enough,etc and wants to end his life. Well, if you know an anesthesiologist you can literally go in your sleep and it would be painless. The surgeons decided that to put “Painless” (for that was the dentist’s nickname) through a ceremony and put him under, but then allowed him to recover. He awoke with a new perspective.
In the movie “It’s a Wonderful Life” George Baily got to see what life would have been like had he never lived. Seeing just a couple of the changes that his life made was enough to convince him he wanted to live, and to suffer whatever personal challenges necessary to make sure that life went on as he knew it. We all have those ripples in our lives. Impacts both good and bad.
I’ve considered suicide a few times. Once I was playing with a friend’s son. He was young, like maybe eight or ten and I was tossing him in the air and he was shrieking with delight. He kept coming to me and pesting me, and I would throw him a few more times, but then I missed a catch.
He landed heavily and knocked his head on the ground and was crying like mad and his parents took him to the hospital, where he was diagnosed as having a mild concussion. I didn’t know what had happened and I envisioned the worst. I was crying and wandering around the streets of a small town in Texas and if I would have had a gun with me, it would have been used. I felt terrible and thought I killed this boy. Funny thing was that it bonded us together and he would always be asking his father when I would be coming by.
But that day, life was dark. I was really out of my mind with grief and thought I didn’t deserve to live. Oddly enough I now can’t even remember the boy’s name. That makes me sad.
Another time when I was going through bankruptcy and losing my home I had thoughts of despair. I don’t think I ever really got to the point where I was truly considering killing myself, but I did think that I was worthless. Things did not work out according to my “grand plan” and I really felt I had let folks down. Like I said, never progressed to any real thoughts that time…
And then this time. Same as the last, no real thoughts to carry through. But sometimes you think, well, why aren’t things working out? and am I so worthless? Unless I have acknowledgement and someone buying my goods (whatever they are) that the goods are shit. you know?
and I don’t think my goods are shit, but man it sure would be nice to have someone outside the circle notice something. Preferably someone with a budget. I get occasional clients, but not enough, and I put in ignored applications for jobs, and bid on projects. But I am feeling failure-ish.
A door is opening somewhere. have no despair. life will go on. the option isn’t a valid one.
